Jonzer & The Tubes Between

I am not really known as the adventurous type. That being said, I will occasionally move outside my comfort zone and do risky and fun things, but there is an invisible circle of protection that I harbor around myself so that I do not end up as laughing fodder for everyone on Darwin’s List.

So what are my 10 Things??:

2. Buy a Harley—In my mind, you need to look like you can kill someone when sitting on your Harley while at the same time look mean and tough in a red bandanna and leather. If you have ever seen me you will note that I look like I may be able to hold my own against a squirrel, with most bets going to the one who collects nuts for a living. Put a red bandanna on me and now I am looking like an anemic version or Ralph Macchio waxing on and waxing off with about as much confidence as a shivering chihuahua.  Add leather to this mix and I am sure there is a Revenge of the Nerds scene in there somewhere! My wife wants a Harley really bad. I might let her get one as long as she promises not to get a tattoo that says ‘Mother’ and at least shaves her legs once in awhile.

3. Enter a Pie Eating Contest— Have you seen ‘Stand By Me’ ? That ruined it for me…sorry pie eaters!

4. Watch Mama Mia again— Every woman I know has talked about this movie like it was some theatrical revolution similar to having sound put into movies. For me, the only revolution that came about was that I am certainly a man with no predisposition to think otherwise. This movie nearly sucked all the testosterone flowing through me through my eyes and ears. I really do love ABBA, but this to me really felt like the Dementor of all musicals and I had no magical spell like Harry Potter to ward off the estrogen onslaught I was facing.  With about 45 minutes left to go in this battle for my right to wear a jock-strap, I saw my manhood quietly slipping away toward the family room door as if to say “Sorry man, I can’t do this, you’re killing me here dude!”  I left my wife alone on the couch and trail of Raisenets behind me as I chased after the last vestiges of my maleness out the door.

5. Be on a game show—I have a bazillion pieces of useless information in my head. I am quite certain that I could win something like Jeopardy or Millionaire, but under pressure my mind goes into total vapor-lock. Everything I know that matters the least is there at my disposal when I least need it…and that is the problem. When I need  information the most I sort of go all zombie and drool until several days later when I actually remember the answer to the question I was asked…which at that point  the information is again…useless.

6. Dance—Dancing is fun, unless you have to dance with a white stick with an over-bite (me). Maybe I am being too hard on myself here but I have seen pictures of me dancing that have made me cry…not doing it again…sorry!

7. Bungee Jump—This is right up there with Sky-Diving. You have that whole gravity conversation about falling at a constant rate only now you are telling gravity that you have a really big rubber band and “So take that gravity…you suckeh!” The bad part is that sometimes there is a little miscalculation in the gravity to rubber band length ratio. When that happens gravity wins and you go THUD!

8. Swim with Sharks—Do I EVEN need to explain this one?? I do? Ok, Teeth…lots of teeth…oh and the teeth are razor sharp and there are like 36 sets of them. Maybe this makes me less of a man. If so, I blame that on having to watch Mama Mia.

9. Be a good cook—Much to the disappointment of my wonderful wife, this is just not going to happen. I seem to lack a certain amount of patience when it comes to cooking. I also seem to lack desire, wherewithal, creativity, interest, and likely a multitude of other things that are needed to make something as simple as apple pie or cookies. I am all thumbs in the kitchen and honestly I just want to eat the stuff, not prepare it!

10. Work in fast food again—I made a solemn vow that I would never, ever go back to working at burger joints. So much trauma happens at these places, most of which would horrify you. I have been sauced, punched, taunted, teased, fried, sliced, diced, dumped, and poisoned and my dog ate my Arby’s tie because it smelled like roast beef.  I have seen things that happen behind the counter that no human should ever know regarding food preparation. Yet, like Pavlov’s dog, I go back and eat at these joints from time to time, but may the Good Lord strike me down if I ever have to work at one again. Will I let my kids work at one??? HECK YEAH!!! How else will they toughen up and know that the only worse job is in sanitation??? (I kid, I kid…sort of)

So, what are your 10 things???